slowly getting somewhere

           My heart is going insane—skipping beats, bopping around, dropping down a few stories… Why does it feel so good to find out people like you and actually care? Life was complete shit a few days ago. I was at that point of becoming anti-social and never leaving my home. EVAR. mmmhauhau, people are inviting me to partays and shit? whaaaaa… They miss my face? My silly antics? My bizarre contributions to conversations? My crush MISSES me! What the… how is this possible?

           People are going out of their way to contact me!? Jeez, dropping off the face of the earth for a while makes people miss you.

I wash my hair about 1-2 times a week, but I shower everyday (~7 min, wash face/body and shave) . When I shower I twirl my hair up into a bun and lean back or forth to avoid the water. Simple. Yesterday I accidentally got my hair wet and left it up in a bun all day. Just took it down and it STINKS like a sour towel. You know, wet laundry that doesn’t dry all the way, and then it rots and the smell never comes out completely? …that’s what this mess hanging in my face smells like. Guess its that time of the week—time to tackle this monster and shampoo the shit out of it.

          I am always on the edge of being super annoying. I have a way of coming across as someone who thinks that they know everything. I know that I know nothing! I’m in a constant battle with myself, like split identities out-doing each other. I find bragging the most obnoxious thing a person can do, but when someone asks me a question, like “Are you good at balancing on one foot?”, I feel the need to say “Abs-fucking-lutely. I have balanced on one foot for over an hour before to prove to my friend that I could!” *facepalm*

           First off, why did I just word-vomit a response? Why didn’t I think before I spoke? A simple yes would have been o.k. Secondly, what difference does it make if the person knows that I can do this or not? Lastly, why does my automatic response sound ridiculous? EGOEGOEGO, why must you show yourself? Broken down, it is obvious how INSECURE I am about my ability, rather than the “confidence” like stated. I had to PROVE to my friend that I could do it. I wasted over an HOUR of my life, just to prove this stupid little ability. Don’t assume my ego is the size of the white house, more like that doghouse in my backyard.

          No no no no noooo. My ego is not the doghouse. It is that annoying little dog that’s chained up INSIDE the doghouse. It yaps for its owner’s attention, who lives in the big house. The more the owner (my real self? dunno) ignores the dog and pretends it has no pet, the louder the dog yaps. All the windows are shut. yapyapyap. The stereo is turned up. BarapBarapBarap. <-this is the little dog’s attempt at barking loudly. I am here! I am yours! Pay me attention! I am worth something! Listen to meeeee!!

          Displays of ego, you are not wanted. I want to toss my dog in the car and drop it off at the dump. Goodbye. I am done with you. Does this make me a “bad” person? I guess I am rejecting my sense of self? My human characteristics, good and bad. My ego leakages happen because I reject my confidence in my own abilities? I honestly don’t know. I am so lost in this struggle. Naturally I like to think that I think poorly of myself. lolz. I know I have wallowed around in enough self-pity to know what “hating yourself” feels like. But isn’t that my ego as well? *siiiiiiiigh*

          Maybe I need to identify what I consider an ego is before I start rambling. There is really no point to anything I am saying. Maybe there are points but, at the moment, I am missing them…? More word-vomit….

         You know what?? So what!

          So freakin’ what. Yes, this is word-vomit. And yes, there is no point. But that does not matter!! No one is even reading this! HA. I can say whatever I want. I can quit judging myself by every sentence I write. Maybe that is the point. Allowing myself to be arrogant in “private”. If I give myself a little pat on the back when no one is watching, maybe that’ll lower my ego’s desire to EXPRESSITSFREAKINSELF during inappropriate times in public. YES! I looked really fucking cute in my salmon cardigan and floral skirt today. I felt like a million bucks walking around on my wedges. I was normal people height with normal sized legs!! I felt like a pretty lady! NOT A LITTLE GIRL. lyke, omg. That’s a change!

          Whooooo. Now my desire to take an “ironic” picture of me being “ugly” and posting it on facebook, just to get comments on how pretty I am, is G-O-N-E. (…not like I do that often…)

          haha. I think it is funny that even when I try to mock my own ego, my ego shows. This is a funny subject, and I want to think about it some more…

          I just made my first novel outline, ever. Half of the bitch is complete. Like, I want to dive right in and fill-out the details. The second half… hmm… I want to take the story in a direction that I have very little real life experience in. The funny thing is, I want to do what I want to write about. I am frustrated because I plan on accomplishing this thing I want to write about within the next two years. Should I write the first half and just wait ‘til then? ….when I know what I’m talking about… or research the shit out of it?

          I am so close to dropping out of society, school, everything, and pursuing this thing. BECOME A BUM. I mean, can’t I use my novel as a legit excuse? I’m doing research Mom and Dad. I’m writing a best-seller. This needs to be accurate, duuuuhhh. Wish I could run-out and do what I want to write about. Get to know what it is like rather than watch Youtube videos on it. Actually work in a cake shop and wake up at 4am to get things started than just watch a show on it. Actually become a gold-digger and attend fancy parties (neither of these examples are what I want to write about, but you get my drift).  My writing calls for interesting events, romances, tragedies, etc. Am I a “fake” writer if I write for the excuse to do weird/over-the-top things?

…that I am the “darkest” friend she has, and that most of her friends dress in all black and listen to hardcore screamo. I don’t know how to take that statement.

(i don’t dress in all black and listen to screamo. i listen to shitty indie and wear what i can sleep in…)